Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
