I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
