Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
