Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?