ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
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Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
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And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.