and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
