That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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