Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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