I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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