i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
