true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
