Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
