I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
