I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
