she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
