Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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