All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
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I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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