btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
