zippers are such a cool invention
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
