If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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