Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
