i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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