Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Randomize
