And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
