everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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