FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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