I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
