Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
