remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
