so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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