are you still at the devil's house?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Randomize
