She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Girls should come with a carfax report
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
