Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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