'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
