i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
