my vag is so smooth its legendary
false alarm. still invincible.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
