At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
