I like my sex mixed with concussions.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now