The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
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I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
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Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for