im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
