hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
