It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
