i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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