I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
