I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
