Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
