I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
