I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize