i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
