i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
