My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize