After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
