I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
