I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
