i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
