I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
