Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
