I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
