umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
