I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
My bed smells like the plague
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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