sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
